At this stage in life, thoughts often turn to times past and how we might handle them differently. I find that to be especially true as my nest continues to empty, grandchildren come on the scene and we celebrate another anniversary. Adding grandchildren (which will be covered in all of it's deliciousness in a future post) has elicited a few questions regarding my mothering choices. Not the least of which was "What would you do differently?" Honestly, besides a couple of minor but poorly executed disciplinary episodes, I only have two real regrets from my now 31 years of motherhood.
I regret that I did not require consistantly that my children take on chores. Oh, they were required to help out but I had way too many failed attempts at chore charts, rewards, penalties, allowance, etc. We tried it all. I tried, I really did, but it just took longer and caused way more angst to require such things from my six offspring as laundry, dishes, cleaning bathrooms and other chores. The result of my many creative attempts was usually smelly laundry left in the washer for days (I had to move it to do mine!), dishes that never got done (was I going to let them pile up all day until the offending slacker got home from school?) beds that didn't get made (I may still be the only member of this great family that makes her bed every single day!) Bathrooms, it seemed, were my job for many years because we just didn't have the kid friendly cleaning products that are on the market today. I also really hated that kids could manage to get any product containing bleach on everything within a twenty foot radius. This included bath rugs, nice towels, shower curtains, their own clothes and even carpeting nowhere near the bathroom they were expected to clean. After a while, I decided it was indeed easier to just do it myself. Once they got older, I did require a certain level of cleanliness in their own rooms and even the bathrooms became their responsibility. This, only after decades of doing most of it myself. I worried that none of my kids would go forth into adulthood knowing how to take care of their living space or do their laundry. They have all proven me wrong, for the most part. They wear clean clothes, keep nice homes and seem to know how to keep bleach where it belongs. The regret is really that I just did too much and obsessed over things I probably should not have. I consider this a minor regret but if I had it to do over, I would keep at it, especially now that we have "Method" type cleaners. I have also shared this with my children who have asked and hopefully they will succeed where I did not.
My only other regret is more serious and still causes me much sadness. My hubby and I tried really hard to spend individual time with each of our children as they grew up and avoided the "mob" mentality often present in large families. He had dedicated times with our boys (lunches or fishing, or trips to guitar lessons, basketball or football practice, or some other regularly occuring event.) While I also spent time with the boys and he with the girls, my time with our daughters was a concentrated effort to initiate discipleship and develop a closeness as they grew into teens. At about 9 or 10 years old I started with a great study with each girl called "Growing Little Women." I still have these workbooks we went through together. It was a study designed to examine issues of integrity, peer pressure, purity, calling and roles and repsonsibilitites of young women. I loved doing this with my girls. At the end of the study I presented each one with a James Avery charm to add to their charm bracelets to commemorate the event. After the study was over, I continued to meet with our oldest throughout highschool, her wait for God's direction in her life, the long period of endurance before her beloved arrived in the US and their marriage. Even after that, since our hubbies both worked on Saturdays, we continued. It really just stopped being a regular part of our week in the last six months or so since they were blessed with a job rarely requiring Saturdays. It was a truly wonderful part of her growing up, for both of us. We didn't always do a formal study after the first one. We just chatted about whatever was important or even urgent at the time. I shared my life with her, memories from my young married/motherhood days and my own spiritual struggles. We laughed, we cried, we prayed with and for one another. We ate tons and tons of bagels!!!! That is most certainly not a regret. What is, though, is that my other daughter didn't want to continue. I don't think it was for any reason other than she just really wanted to go hang out with her friends. I didn't think it was a good idea to force her to spend time with me and besides that, I had five other children, homeschooling and a home to manage! Forcing her to meet with me seemed silly and I couldn't imagine it would be very productive. We talked now and then and I made a few attempts at a regular time together that didn't end well so I just gave up. I was homeschooling her, after all, wouldn't that be enough. The short answer? NO! Now, having the benefit of many more mommy years under my belt and seeing also how the story ended up, I would totally handle that differently. I would, even though it seemed ill-advised then, require her to spend a couple of hours alone with me each week. I would have endured the sulking and the rejection. I would, because now she (and I) really wish we had the closeness that concentrated time can foster. I would, because it would have been better for her and for me. I didn't let her decide other important parts of her growing up that I believed were in her best interest. For some reason, I saw this as different. I would, because it is God's model for discipleship, for both parties. She would have become a more confident person, more assured of her position in Christ and more ready to face her future. I would have learned a perseverance that has been harder learned now. We would have dealt with some things that came home to roost just as she reached adulthood and moved into marriage. She recently moved a few hours away and it will be even harder for us to grow our relationship. I am determined to do it, but how much easier it would be had I pressed harder to spend close, concentrated time with her. I have shared this sad regret with the few that care. I have shared it with her. I hope that she will remember it should she be blessed with a similarly resistant daughter and work harder to foster a deep, close and lasting relationship. I love her to bits, and am so thankful that God can fix our boo-boos, build better relationships and soften the pain of regret.
