Change. Life is full of it. About the time we get comfortable with things one way, they change. Now is no exception for me. All of my kids are grown (or nearly so) and the second half is stretched out before me just waiting to unfold. Then why do I feel clueless as to what that is going to look like or what the next step might be?
I've been seeking God on a number of issues lately. What should I be investing my time and energies in? Are we in the right church? The right ministry? What about a job? I thought I was on the right path in each of these quests only to feel fruitless in my search in all of them. I wrote about the job search, how demoralizing it can be. I wrote about the discouraging meeting we had with a local pastor about how we could serve in his congregation. Since then we have had a wonderful meeting with another young pastor and have a little clearer picture of where to step next. On the job front, however, discouragement is still the key word. Some days it feels like two steps forward, three steps back! I sure would like to know what I should be doing.
I have the privilege, what with six children and all, to receive quite a bit of advice about this season of life. It seems they are all pretty invested in what I choose to do. I like that. Yesterday one of those offspring took the time to talk to me at length about my searching, all of it, not just the job part. He is uniquely qualified to speak to the employment side of things but completely gets that this is not just about a paycheck or benefits package. This is about calling, service and being a good steward of my time and resources. He is also really good at the employment thing because of his own journey. While he is now something of an expert on the subject of employment, he suffered through, like lots of folks these days, months and months of unemployment, followed by underemployment and has endured bad employment as well. Now, he is responsible for employing others in a very large hospital system. He takes it seriously and considers it a calling. He can tell me what to do and what not to do in this arena and I am grateful. After giving me plenty of pointers about specific jobs that might be a good fit, application and resume tips and lots of encouragement, he asked a really pointed question that helped bring the messy of all this into focus. "Mom," he queried "can you remember times throughout your years as a full time mother that you were unsure of what the next step was, areas of uncertainty in your work and life as Mom?" Of course I could. The whole mother thing was one big ball of uncertainly, and plenty of other stages, phases and choices along the way were challenging in that regard as well. "How did you navigate those?" he asked. I had to think back a bit but I remembered reading a great deal. I didn't read just anything. I know not everything in print is sacred or even worthwhile. I carefully chose wise teachers. I asked trusted people in my life for their adivce and perspective. Of course, I prayed...a lot! Usually the path became clearer in degrees, not one bright light. Little things would fall into place making it easier to see what the next step should be. A word here, an opportunity there and before long I had moved into whatever that important place was without too much difficulty. Everything from sleep issues to potty training, how we disciplined and educated our children, dating and teenage issues, college, sending them off as adults and even now, as we face an empty nest have all happened like that. No bolt of light, just step by step, gleaning information, praying, venturing out a little more and the picture became clearer. That wise son reminded me that this season will probably unfold in much the same way. I have been reading. I choose to read wise authors who have been down this road at least a little farther than I have or who have some level of wisdom I do not. I ask people who have made this transition without damaging their families or dishonoring God in the process. I pray...a lot! I try things. I apply for jobs that look like the right fit. I did some volunteering in one setting and now I am, at Son's suggestion, going to volunteer in the place where I hope to eventually be employed. He reminded me that there are two good considerations when seeking the right fit in a place of employment. First, do I feel cared for? Second, can I make a difference here? Hmmmm, I had not been thinking that way. Volunteering should allow me to get a read on that before making a long term comittment.
I suppose this season is really not that different from any other when it comes to seeking and finding God's will and direction. He hasn't changed at all. He still has "good works" for me to do. He is still in control. What has changed, for me at least, is that my children are now sources of wisdom and knowledge in this search. They are no longer just the objects of my care and searching, they are caring for and searching with me. What a joy!
Friday, October 29, 2010
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Food! Glorious Food!
I got up this morning to a note left by my youngest, the only remaining child in this home. It said:
All of our food looks flipping good!
Love you both,
J-----
It just made my day, and it was only 5:15!
As it happens, yesterday was grocery day. Note-writing son was gone all day and into the wee hours this morning so he didn't know that. He dragged in tired and hungry, expecting empty shelves in both the pantry and the refrigerator. Boy, was he ever surprised! Grocery day is a big deal in our household, always has been, guess it always will be. New Food, as it has come to be known, gets a lot of attention. Even kids who no longer live here open the fridge and pantry when they visit. They don't know what it is they are looking for exactly, they just look anyway, and I don't mind. I also get regular texts from oldest son, who lives far away, asking what I'm making for dinner. I think it speaks of provision and care. It is comforting to know we aren't going hungry. We shop every other week because that's how often we get a paycheck. New money makes it easier to buy new food! By the time grocery day rolls around, there are generally some bare shelves. I am usually still quite able to make a meal but no one else seems to see the potential in the motley assortment of products remaining. I am sometimes asked, a little sheepishly, when it comes to slim pickin's, when I'll be shopping again. Based on yesterday's haul, I still haven't quite adjusted to the smaller family size...I think I expect way more people to be eating here than actually do.
We've also made some pretty drastic changes in our eating style over the last year or so. More organic, less processed, more fresh, less junk food. Real food. Clean food. It costs more and usually takes up more room as well. No one minds, really. Eating well has wonderful fringe benefits...at least for the men in this family. They can lose weight without even really trying. The hubs will tell you it is getting harder and harder for him but I still think guys have it easier. But even my girls have an easier time of it than me. I decided after several months of all this good eating (punctuated occasionally by such luxuries as Fro Yo, and then there was the State Fair...) that I still needed to be eating less or differently as I was not dropping the "lbs" like I had hoped. Just because it's all natural or organic does not mean it's calorie or fat free. Am I the only one who has learned that lately? At the loving suggestion of a daughter, I joined her on Weight Watchers Online. Great program, real food, and they were running a special deal. It's so much more fun to do it with someone else, too. I love how easy it is to calculate what to eat and track my progress...until this morning. It was weigh in day. I did not want to weigh in, at least not today. After a few weeks of being a good girl I was sabotaged by a tradition that my sweet husband has apparently established. That tradition would be finishing off our two store, two week grocery shopping extravaganza with a stop at Whataburger. I did not do well. No fries? Check! Diet soda (not pure or natural but calorie free)? Check! Whataburger...with cheese? Bad, bad choice. No way was I getting on the scale this morning! Hubby curiously found that very funny. Commented even on the games we women play. Oh, I'll weigh in...in a few days...when I don't feel so awful about that Man Sized burger. What in the world was I thinking? Wait! I wasn't thinking! I was too hungry to think. I just let him order and ate every bite. One of the reasons the pantry is so full today is I remembered to buy things I could actually eat this time. I forgot that on our last grocery day. I will testify to the fact that celery, lettuce, sugar free jello or SEVEN pretzels do NOT a happy Mama make! Of course I ate a Whataburger! It's a miracle I let them cook it first! Deep breath....OK, I'm fine now. On to the diet. It isn't hard if I plan for it. I've been dieting since I was about eleven. I know the drill. I always make a two week menu and detailed list before our mega shopping trips. I just failed to add in things that worked on my eating plan (such a nicer word than diet!). Now the boys can enjoy their fun foods and I can have mine...rice cakes...popcorn...fruit. Sigh, it's all worth it. One of the things on my "Second Half" list is finally mastering my weight. It will pay big dividends in my future, for me and those who want me around for a while longer.
I love food. I love how it looks, how it smells and how it tastes. I love cooking. I love cookbooks, cooking magazines and cooking shows. I love trying new foods, recipes and restaurants. I love that Mr. Brown and I have started cooking together a lot more. I love that when I go to work he wants to start preparing some meals all by himself. I love how wonderful I feel when I prepare a great meal, simple or elaborate, and serve it up with love. I love it even more when it is healthy food. I also love that my family finds comfort in a well stocked kitchen and enjoys my culinary skills. I am thankful for simple pleasures like good food...and the occasional Whataburger...with cheese.
Friday, October 15, 2010
That Chest Pain Thing
One of the things my hubby and I have decided as we move into the second half is that we will not be the kind of old people who go on and on about every little ache and pain, discussing their latest doctor visit, colonoscopy, or new prescription drug and all of the related side effects. We just won't...not gonna do it...wouldn't be prudent. The downside to that is that sometimes we don't want to say anything when maybe we should. Case in point, hubby's chest pain, shortness of breath event this week that led to a less than pleasant stay in the hospital, at my insistence. After way too many pokes, tests and drugs, along with one very sleepless night, he has been pronounced healthy and we need not worry about his ticker...at least not at the moment. I don't know about you, but hospital visits, for chest pains, for anyone, are troublesome and just a wee bit scary. When it's your very own true love, it can stir up some things. I could not help but think, as I walked alone, in the dark, to my car, still parked outside the ER, what life would look like had this not ended as nicely as it did. Who would I be? What would I miss?
Would I still be the person I am now? How much of what I do and who I am is for his benefit? Is that a bad thing? Would the kids worry about me all the time, checking up on me to be sure I wasn't sitting in the dark, alone? Would I still get dressed pretty every day and put on make-up? Would I make the bed...every day? Would I cook for myself? What about church? I know, I like to think I am a true person, don't we all? How much of what I do is because of who is watching me? What would I want to be sure to continue? What would change? I have friends who have been down this road recently. I am taking notes. I hope I don't need to use them for a very long time.
What would I miss? I would miss the routine of mornings together, reading Our Daily Bread like my grandmother did with my grandfather. I would miss how excited he still gets over the simplest things like a good meal, cooler weather or a lovely sunset. I would miss our walks and our talks. We do a lot of both. I would miss his sheer delight in all things Lowe's or Home Depot. I would miss how he still wants to learn new things like glass etching, wood carving or metal work. I would miss how he will try things he didn't think he would like, just for me...like cruise vacations, sweaters that zip and the State Fair. I would miss his love of fire and how he still runs outside at the sound of sirens or any kind of aircraft overhead. I would miss the way he drives, and that's all I'm gonna say about that. I would miss his tender heart...how he cries at Extreme Makeover Home Edition every single time. I would miss hearing him talk to his kids, on speakerphone, in the living room, loudly! And I would miss listening as he gently coaches them, now that they are all grown and don't need him to tell them what to do. I would miss his wonderful pedicures, a skill he acquired when I was too pregnant to see my own toes and that he continues to this day. I would miss how he always thinks the best of people, calls everyone "partner" or uses their name if they have on a name tag. I would miss how he always checks to see if that stranded motorist is a lady...and tries to help if he can. I would miss his big, strong, muscular hands and arms, made so by decades of hard work, performed without complaint. I would miss his hair, graying but still quite present! So short that you'd never guess, but I know it's curly. I see the same trait in about half of our kids, much to their dismay. I would miss his lack of rhythm but relentless attempts at dancing, another thing he tries to master for me. I would miss his now famous MC Hammer dance. I would miss his quite varied taste in music ranging from Bob Marley to Hillsong and Chris Tomlin to anything by his musical kids to smooth jazz and 70s greats. I would miss the way he always positions himself between me and whatever danger may lurk nearby, be it a mud puddle, an unleashed dog, oncoming cars or just foot traffic. I would miss the way he still opens doors for me, gives me the whipped cream and cherry on top of anything, and calls me at lunch and on his way home from work. I would miss how he calls me "Love." I would miss his collection of magazines, Popular Mechanics, Popular Science, Air and Space...the ones I think are boring, that are all over the house. I would miss how he loves to surprise me with bubble bath, chocolate and cards, lovingly hidden where I will find them when he is not home. I would miss hearing him tell me that he wouldn't want to go through life with anyone but me and that I am his "favorite" wife. I would miss how mad he gets at the dogs but at the same time how he feeds them from the table. I would miss enjoying our as yet unseen grandchildren together. He is already such a softy, picking out sweet little clothes and cool toys. I would miss the humble way he receives criticism, always asking himself if there is any truth in the charge. I would miss watching his unwavering devotion to God and willingness to serve, no matter how small or mundane the task. I would miss the travel we have planned together. There are hundreds of other things I would miss. I could never list them all. I am so glad I would sincerely miss him for in this time there are husbands and wives who would not miss one another in the least. But I am glad, most of all, that I don't have to miss him now.
Would I still be the person I am now? How much of what I do and who I am is for his benefit? Is that a bad thing? Would the kids worry about me all the time, checking up on me to be sure I wasn't sitting in the dark, alone? Would I still get dressed pretty every day and put on make-up? Would I make the bed...every day? Would I cook for myself? What about church? I know, I like to think I am a true person, don't we all? How much of what I do is because of who is watching me? What would I want to be sure to continue? What would change? I have friends who have been down this road recently. I am taking notes. I hope I don't need to use them for a very long time.
What would I miss? I would miss the routine of mornings together, reading Our Daily Bread like my grandmother did with my grandfather. I would miss how excited he still gets over the simplest things like a good meal, cooler weather or a lovely sunset. I would miss our walks and our talks. We do a lot of both. I would miss his sheer delight in all things Lowe's or Home Depot. I would miss how he still wants to learn new things like glass etching, wood carving or metal work. I would miss how he will try things he didn't think he would like, just for me...like cruise vacations, sweaters that zip and the State Fair. I would miss his love of fire and how he still runs outside at the sound of sirens or any kind of aircraft overhead. I would miss the way he drives, and that's all I'm gonna say about that. I would miss his tender heart...how he cries at Extreme Makeover Home Edition every single time. I would miss hearing him talk to his kids, on speakerphone, in the living room, loudly! And I would miss listening as he gently coaches them, now that they are all grown and don't need him to tell them what to do. I would miss his wonderful pedicures, a skill he acquired when I was too pregnant to see my own toes and that he continues to this day. I would miss how he always thinks the best of people, calls everyone "partner" or uses their name if they have on a name tag. I would miss how he always checks to see if that stranded motorist is a lady...and tries to help if he can. I would miss his big, strong, muscular hands and arms, made so by decades of hard work, performed without complaint. I would miss his hair, graying but still quite present! So short that you'd never guess, but I know it's curly. I see the same trait in about half of our kids, much to their dismay. I would miss his lack of rhythm but relentless attempts at dancing, another thing he tries to master for me. I would miss his now famous MC Hammer dance. I would miss his quite varied taste in music ranging from Bob Marley to Hillsong and Chris Tomlin to anything by his musical kids to smooth jazz and 70s greats. I would miss the way he always positions himself between me and whatever danger may lurk nearby, be it a mud puddle, an unleashed dog, oncoming cars or just foot traffic. I would miss the way he still opens doors for me, gives me the whipped cream and cherry on top of anything, and calls me at lunch and on his way home from work. I would miss how he calls me "Love." I would miss his collection of magazines, Popular Mechanics, Popular Science, Air and Space...the ones I think are boring, that are all over the house. I would miss how he loves to surprise me with bubble bath, chocolate and cards, lovingly hidden where I will find them when he is not home. I would miss hearing him tell me that he wouldn't want to go through life with anyone but me and that I am his "favorite" wife. I would miss how mad he gets at the dogs but at the same time how he feeds them from the table. I would miss enjoying our as yet unseen grandchildren together. He is already such a softy, picking out sweet little clothes and cool toys. I would miss the humble way he receives criticism, always asking himself if there is any truth in the charge. I would miss watching his unwavering devotion to God and willingness to serve, no matter how small or mundane the task. I would miss the travel we have planned together. There are hundreds of other things I would miss. I could never list them all. I am so glad I would sincerely miss him for in this time there are husbands and wives who would not miss one another in the least. But I am glad, most of all, that I don't have to miss him now.
Monday, October 11, 2010
The Best Empty Nest Guide!
Barbara and Susan's Guide to the Empty Nest
This has to be my all time favorite book on the subject of navigating the empty nest years. Leave it to Family Life Ministries, Barbara Rainey and Susan Yates to come up with a truly great resource for gracefully making one's way through this sometimes treacherous journey. Even the cover makes you just want to pick it up and dive in. (To those of you readers who are miles away from your empty nest years, pretty much anything else by either of these authors will also be worth getting your hands on! Family Life Ministries as well as Focus on the Family are invaluable Christian resources for this or any stage of life.)
Why do I love it? I got it last year in the middle of our downsizing, marrying off, graduating the last little bird stage. We were living in a cramped apartment, waiting for our house to be finished, completing our last year of homeschooling and I was frankly a little less than thrilled to be where I was. I must admit this book elicited as many tears as it did chuckles, but that isn't all bad. I could really relate to the many heartfelt stories these two sweet ladies shared. I so want to be friends with them! I got a wonderful glimpse into their own journeys and even while blubbering along, I felt a little less alone and lot more encouraged that I might actually get through this in one piece and unmedicated!
They covered with humility, humor and enormous scoops of Biblical wisdom, areas I would not have considered until they were upon me. Barbara and Susan really wrote the book together and it reads like a narrative of a coffee date among friends. They explore the loneliness, disappointments, fears and questions about the future for Moms moving into the empty nest years. They explained gently, in a way I could really grasp, the need for mothers to become smaller in the lives of their children as they leave the nest. It is painful but true. Chapters on relating to hubby (who probably won't feel this transition in life as keenly,) adult children and even caring for aging parents provide wonderful insights. They encourage women to continue or reestablish meaningful relationships with friends as well. I'm working on that one. Having six children and now five more who have married into this big family, there is no way we can predict how many grandchildren we will eventually get to enjoy. These authors, who between them have eleven children and twenty-five grandchildren, cautioned against starting things, traditions, commitments that may not be feasible to carry out to all those grand babies! They are speaking my language. They suggested ways to keep the adult kids connected to you and to one another, without being overbearing, making quality time for grandchildren and engaging wisely in the extended families they represent. Most importantly to me, the ladies remind their readers that life is anything but over at this stage. Several chapters delve into such topics as "Discovering Your New Purpose" and "Changing Your World." I picked up Barbara and Susan's Guide to the Empty Nest again this week (I do that sometimes, read a good book again!) and was surprised at how much has changed in my life even in just a year. Chapters and topics that did not apply to me so much last year are really coming into clearer focus now. They have also provided many helpful discussion topics for talk time with my sweet husband. As if that were not enough, the book is filled with discussion questions and personal application activities. Other women share stories at the end of each chapter as well. The appendixes in the back include several resources to help make the transition even easier, covering topics like checklists for caring for aging parents, developing your relationship with God and cultivating faithfulness.
I have a stack of books and Bible studies on this topic, many are very good, but none are as thorough and at the same time warm and comforting as Barbara and Susan's Guide.... Available at Christianbook.com, Amazon.com or FamilyLife.com. Check it out!
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Say what?
A lot has been written lately about missional living. We hear about it at church and in the Christian media. We are currently reading and discussing Radical by David Platt with our Freebirds class at church. We read Francis Chan's Crazy Love last year. Before we started Radical, our Global Outreach Pastor spent three weeks with our class challenging our contemporary American thinking about reaching others with the gospel of Christ and what that might look like to empty nesters like us. Not at all coincidentally, Mr. brown and I had been discussing quite a bit where we were in our church, our lives and our community and what God might be asking us to change or adjust so as to be more "missional." It's funny, I have lived through several different decades in the American church and each one had some sort of watchword or catchphrase. I am not immediately enamored with what people call a particular movement or even with the movement itself. I endured the 80s which touted Destiny as the in thing, the 90s which I think was all about Passion...I guess this decade has been mostly about relevance and being seeker friendly and now we are at the Missional stage. I can do this. People need handles and marketing has really made inroads in the church. I'm old enough to know that if I just sit here for a bit, something new and improved or at least different will come along. None of this has really changed how God speaks to us or how he brings people to Himself. In our marriage, we usually come to points of action pretty much together and rarely are we at odds about what God has for us next. I mentioned to Bill a few weeks ago that we were approaching our one year mark at this big, wonderful church, but that we had not realized some of the goals we had in mind when we arrived last fall. I suggested the idea that we might want to consider that we have enjoyed a good year of R&R and that now it might be time to pursue a little harder what our place is in God's church, to dig in and get busy. We really don't see retirement as part of the Christian's life anyway. At least not as it relates to functioning in the body of Christ. He had been very sensitive when we first arrived that for all of our marriage I had dutifully followed him around in his church leadership roles and made the best of whatever we had been given. It had not always been a pleasant and fulfilling experience. Now, it seemed, I got the chance to make some relationships, find my place, etc. without having to be so conscious of that. We did not have to give consideration to our children's needs either. Nursery, children's ministry or youth group never entered the discussion. After a year, we were settled into a nice, comfortable Sunday morning class for people in our stage of life...Freebirds, early empty nesters. We loved the preaching and the worship. Everything done at this enormous church is marked by excellence, a trait we appreciate...there are about 5000 members, 100 staff, and 173 unique ministries...probably about that many small groups. In spite of that and our fervent determination to faithfully pursue service and relationship opportunities, we have made few real friends, have not found a small group that meets anywhere near where we live, with people remotely our age or on a night we can attend. We have tried to serve in several different ministries and just never got a response. Bummer, huh? Bill smiled and revealed that he had been praying about a change for several months but just did not want to rush me. Sweet man! Well, we considered maybe we needed to find a smaller, possibly younger, church plant closer to home. We knew what that would require. Temporary rental facility, hard, uncomfortable chairs, setting up and tearing down, largely a young congregation and a young pastor and staff...been there, done that, a LOT! We were and are willing to undertake all that again, dig in and be the "older" couple in the church, if that is what God is saying. We also want to serve and worship in our own neck of the woods, if possible. When we share the gospel with neighbors we want to be able to encourage them to visit our church, nearby, rather than driving a half hour or more to the Mothership. Just makes sense. So that's how we found ourselves sitting in the conference room of another young gun pastor, trying to determine if we could be of service to him and his growing congregation. Imagine my shock when...
He made it clear that "churched" people (that would be us, I guess) were not really what he was looking for. They tend to be judgemental and rigid. Not "with it" enough for his Keep Austin Weird kind of church. Hmm?
That in response to what he would see as the most valuable quality an older couple could bring to his new church he said money. No lie! Money? If they are older and mature in their faith, doesn't that go without saying? He did admit that comment was his flesh talking...Buddy, you need to make your flesh be quiet!
We were welcome to come and attend a small group with the other 25 or so old folks like us...this out of a congregation of 400. We didn't really expect there to be many older folks and we fully expected a young pastor. And who wouldn't prefer the theater seating we enjoy now to folding chairs? But he did not honestly expect we would like his church. He suggested we might like another one that was more, well, churchy. Otherwise, we got the idea we would probably just need to sit down and be quiet.
Discipleship really wasn't the main thing at his church. Oh, they did some, through small groups. Small groups are like a marriage relationship, he explained. The first eight weeks are like dating. Once you feel like you are a good fit (whatever the heck that means!) you sign a covenant (like marriage?) But after twelve to eighteen months you disband and form a new group because by then you have "heard all the stories" and it gets stale. So is that like divorce or are we just swapping partners? I am so NOT making this up!
His mantra was "leniency, liberty and grace." Grace I get, but I had to ask if that really meant license. Was he saying holiness was not a quality they were seeking? He pulled out the "churched people are judgemental" thing again. He pretty much justified people in leadership who were in known sin by saying that in a church growing as fast as his, filled with so many unchurched people, they could not afford to be too choosy. Another hmmmm?
His "business model" was derived from Bill Gates, Steve Jobs, Covey and a bunch of corporate leadership gurus' books whose titles escape me now. His whiteboard was full of pithy sayings, not all really terrible, but he just seemed to be looking everywhere for the secret to building his "business" except the instruction manual. He had lots of nifty flow charts and acronyms. He could make a really compelling sales pitch but we just could not figure out what he was actually peddling or why.
His mission, he said, is to "reduce lostness" in his "circle of accountability," designated by a section of geography marked on a big map on the wall. Nothing wrong with that, in theory. We need to be able to identify who we are trying to reach and what we are trying to accomplish. He explained that their services are a ton of fun, Minute-to-Win-It games, videos, music rather than worship (cuz that's churchy!) short sermons, more fun! No communion because the whole blood thing kinda weirds people out. So Bill asked if he ever spelled out to all these many converts he's making the concept that when we decide to follow Jesus there is a cost involved. That while salvation is free, discipleship is costly, requiring the surrender of our lives which means our hopes, our dreams, our stuff, our agendas to Christ, you know, that whole "take up your cross" thing. This is not just a "get out of hell free" card. Bill reminded him of all the Christians in the world who find their faith may indeed cost them everything. His response was that "In this culture and context we just don't find that relevant." Again with the "judgemental churched people" (that would be us!) who are just not "self-aware" or was it too much so, I forget.
We made our polite good-byes, walked in silence to the car, rode in silence to our home...and finally one of us asked "So, do you feel about 90 and in need of a walker and a hearing aid!?" I was truly crushed. Bill, being more reasonable and less emotionally impacted by such events, reminded me that God had actually answered our prayer. We had asked before we went into this meeting, that God would make His will very clear to us. We were humbly asking Him how we could best serve Him and His church. The answer was unmistakably "NOT HERE!"
We are back to the drawing board, after praying off the slime from that encounter, praying blessing on that poor, misguided man and his unfortunate congregation, determined to continue seeking God. It is a fair question to ask how we can be missional. How we can be most effective in our community and in the Kingdom. We do want to "reduce lostness" right here in our neighborhood and our circle of influence, but in a truthful way that speaks to the ongoing needs of a disciple. We were not commanded to "go into the world and make converts" but to make disciples. Maybe that's churchy, but it seems to be the way God wanted it to happen. I just needed to be reminded that a long period of discipleship and faithful service does not make me obsolete, unusable to God and ready to be put out to pasture. We just need to keep seeking. Stay tuned!
He made it clear that "churched" people (that would be us, I guess) were not really what he was looking for. They tend to be judgemental and rigid. Not "with it" enough for his Keep Austin Weird kind of church. Hmm?
That in response to what he would see as the most valuable quality an older couple could bring to his new church he said money. No lie! Money? If they are older and mature in their faith, doesn't that go without saying? He did admit that comment was his flesh talking...Buddy, you need to make your flesh be quiet!
We were welcome to come and attend a small group with the other 25 or so old folks like us...this out of a congregation of 400. We didn't really expect there to be many older folks and we fully expected a young pastor. And who wouldn't prefer the theater seating we enjoy now to folding chairs? But he did not honestly expect we would like his church. He suggested we might like another one that was more, well, churchy. Otherwise, we got the idea we would probably just need to sit down and be quiet.
Discipleship really wasn't the main thing at his church. Oh, they did some, through small groups. Small groups are like a marriage relationship, he explained. The first eight weeks are like dating. Once you feel like you are a good fit (whatever the heck that means!) you sign a covenant (like marriage?) But after twelve to eighteen months you disband and form a new group because by then you have "heard all the stories" and it gets stale. So is that like divorce or are we just swapping partners? I am so NOT making this up!
His mantra was "leniency, liberty and grace." Grace I get, but I had to ask if that really meant license. Was he saying holiness was not a quality they were seeking? He pulled out the "churched people are judgemental" thing again. He pretty much justified people in leadership who were in known sin by saying that in a church growing as fast as his, filled with so many unchurched people, they could not afford to be too choosy. Another hmmmm?
His "business model" was derived from Bill Gates, Steve Jobs, Covey and a bunch of corporate leadership gurus' books whose titles escape me now. His whiteboard was full of pithy sayings, not all really terrible, but he just seemed to be looking everywhere for the secret to building his "business" except the instruction manual. He had lots of nifty flow charts and acronyms. He could make a really compelling sales pitch but we just could not figure out what he was actually peddling or why.
His mission, he said, is to "reduce lostness" in his "circle of accountability," designated by a section of geography marked on a big map on the wall. Nothing wrong with that, in theory. We need to be able to identify who we are trying to reach and what we are trying to accomplish. He explained that their services are a ton of fun, Minute-to-Win-It games, videos, music rather than worship (cuz that's churchy!) short sermons, more fun! No communion because the whole blood thing kinda weirds people out. So Bill asked if he ever spelled out to all these many converts he's making the concept that when we decide to follow Jesus there is a cost involved. That while salvation is free, discipleship is costly, requiring the surrender of our lives which means our hopes, our dreams, our stuff, our agendas to Christ, you know, that whole "take up your cross" thing. This is not just a "get out of hell free" card. Bill reminded him of all the Christians in the world who find their faith may indeed cost them everything. His response was that "In this culture and context we just don't find that relevant." Again with the "judgemental churched people" (that would be us!) who are just not "self-aware" or was it too much so, I forget.
We made our polite good-byes, walked in silence to the car, rode in silence to our home...and finally one of us asked "So, do you feel about 90 and in need of a walker and a hearing aid!?" I was truly crushed. Bill, being more reasonable and less emotionally impacted by such events, reminded me that God had actually answered our prayer. We had asked before we went into this meeting, that God would make His will very clear to us. We were humbly asking Him how we could best serve Him and His church. The answer was unmistakably "NOT HERE!"
We are back to the drawing board, after praying off the slime from that encounter, praying blessing on that poor, misguided man and his unfortunate congregation, determined to continue seeking God. It is a fair question to ask how we can be missional. How we can be most effective in our community and in the Kingdom. We do want to "reduce lostness" right here in our neighborhood and our circle of influence, but in a truthful way that speaks to the ongoing needs of a disciple. We were not commanded to "go into the world and make converts" but to make disciples. Maybe that's churchy, but it seems to be the way God wanted it to happen. I just needed to be reminded that a long period of discipleship and faithful service does not make me obsolete, unusable to God and ready to be put out to pasture. We just need to keep seeking. Stay tuned!
Monday, October 4, 2010
Hello. I Love You. Good-Bye.
No, it isn't the world's shortest love story, another new romantic comedy coming to theaters near you or the end of this blog. It is, according to a Yahoo article I read recently, a list of the three most important phrases needed in a relationship. I get the "I Love You" part, especially as it relates to close relationships like parents, spouse, children or maybe even boyfriend/girlfriend. (Not, probably, the Schwan Man.) The other two caused me to stop and think a little more.
I don't recall hearing too much of any of those phrases growing up. I didn't spend much time with extended family and my mother worked most of the time. Comings and goings were without much notice by anyone and we just weren't very free with nice words. Once I met Bill, that all changed. And then once we married and started a family, things changed even more. We said lots of hello and good-bye. Little ones learn bye-bye pretty early if even just to wave (or cry, if bye-bye was seen as a bad thing.) We have always made much of Daddy's arrival home at the end of the day. Squeals of "Daddy's home!" happened like clockwork. Even now, without any children usually here to greet him, the dogs more than make up for it, much to my dismay. I try always to stop what I'm doing and address Bill, or anyone else who enters our home. According to the study cited in the article, not a study by particularly religious people, this practice validates people, makes them feel welcomed and wanted and worthwhile. I hadn't given much thought to the actual practice and why we have it until I read the article. It caused me to think of several instances when things went a bit awry.
Imagine a dropped cell phone call in the heat of an unpleasant conversation. That has happened a couple of times. Both parties are left feeling disconnected (oh, that's funny), maybe even unheard or disregarded, and go through the rest of the day with a less than warm and fuzzy feeling. When that happens, we try always to reconnect even if just to say a proper good-bye and agree to revisit the conversation face to face.
Or think of the times you have said "hello" to someone and they just ignored you. Maybe they didn't hear your greeting, but you think they probably did. I have felt that and it is hurtful.
When my children were very young, mornings were often difficult. I have been in the practice of getting up early with my hubby to prepare his breakfast, pack him a lunch, usually pray together and read some devotional material and see him off. By the time the kids got up, some time had passed. It had already been a long day. They were not always sweet and cuddly, no, sometimes they were downright gnarly, one in particular! Forget warm and fuzzy! I brought this up during an older women mentoring younger women event. The question, posed to me by one of the dear older saints was "Well, darlin', how pleasant are you in the morning?" She so nailed me! I tried a new approach the very next day and have not abandoned it yet. I began greeting my children (and hubby as well) with a bright, cheerful "Good Morning!" They may not have appreciated it for all it was worth but it set a pattern that has served us well. If after my lovely greeting, they continued to cry or grouse around or throw themselves on the floor in a fit, they went right back to bed until they could participate in the day with a happy heart. (the children, of course! Bill has yet to throw himself on the floor in a fit!) Worked like a charm. Bill even composed a lovely wake up song for our kids that they came to despise during their high school years. On Sundays he would sing them awake, loudly and with much fanfare! Maybe not exactly what the article was endorsing but still quite effective. The most certainly felt acknowledged. Lest you think I have this down perfectly, think again. Those who know me very well at all, may be aware that morning is not my preferred time of day. I do it, day after day (don't we all?) I mean I really do it. I get up, I cook, get dressed, you know...but I don't always enjoy it. On one recent Sunday, when we had to rise earlier than usual to make preparation for a Big Lunch event (more on that in a later post) I simply could not contain my utter distaste for waking up that early. Much thrashing of covers, kicking of feet and spirited declarations of "I DO NOT WANT TO GET UP!" eminated from my side of the bed. Laughter came from Bill's! I did get up and got my happy on but it took a minute or two, and maybe some coffee. Good thing there were no children present to witness that unfortunate outburst.
In some cultures, like that of my sweet Ghanaian son-in-law, greetings are a sign of respect. Not to greet someone properly is considered an affront. George always greets me formally when we meet. He stops what he is doing if I enter their home and speaks specifically to me and to anyone else who has entered. If he has come into mine and I am busy at the sink, for instance, he will position himself directly in front of me, over the bar, so that he may address me respectfully. I always feel honored.
Even now, the lone kid who resides at this address receives a cheerful greeting when he gets up. It may be good afternoon rather than good morning, but it is a greeting, nonetheless. An acknowledgement that I see you and I am glad you are here. The same goes for leaving the house or returning. It's just kind. We don't sneak out without saying good bye to one another. Your presence matters to me whether you are with me or away.
In thinking through this article and study, I realized some good, good reasons for this practice. I say hello, to my family, my friends, even to strangers. I appreciate it when others show me the same consideration. Without that we can all feel invisible or ignored. Maybe that's one reason this job search thing is so hard. Maybe that's why some children are so poorly behaved. To some, even negative attention is better than none. I don't want that to be true for anyone within my sphere of influence. If I can, by simply greeting someone, make their day, or their life, better, I will.
"Hello."
"Hi!"
"Good morning."
"Good evening."
"How 'ya doin'?"
'Sup Dog?... I suppose any greeting will do. Just recognize my presence! (Don't worry, I do NOT plan to start saying "Sup Dog!)
We always say good-bye, always say I love you, when Bill leaves each morning. God forbid, but we never know if today could be the last time we might see one another. The same is true for our kids. They are all healthy, as are we, but things happen. I want the last words spoken between us to always be sweet words. I want to live without regret all the way to the end.
I don't recall hearing too much of any of those phrases growing up. I didn't spend much time with extended family and my mother worked most of the time. Comings and goings were without much notice by anyone and we just weren't very free with nice words. Once I met Bill, that all changed. And then once we married and started a family, things changed even more. We said lots of hello and good-bye. Little ones learn bye-bye pretty early if even just to wave (or cry, if bye-bye was seen as a bad thing.) We have always made much of Daddy's arrival home at the end of the day. Squeals of "Daddy's home!" happened like clockwork. Even now, without any children usually here to greet him, the dogs more than make up for it, much to my dismay. I try always to stop what I'm doing and address Bill, or anyone else who enters our home. According to the study cited in the article, not a study by particularly religious people, this practice validates people, makes them feel welcomed and wanted and worthwhile. I hadn't given much thought to the actual practice and why we have it until I read the article. It caused me to think of several instances when things went a bit awry.
Imagine a dropped cell phone call in the heat of an unpleasant conversation. That has happened a couple of times. Both parties are left feeling disconnected (oh, that's funny), maybe even unheard or disregarded, and go through the rest of the day with a less than warm and fuzzy feeling. When that happens, we try always to reconnect even if just to say a proper good-bye and agree to revisit the conversation face to face.
Or think of the times you have said "hello" to someone and they just ignored you. Maybe they didn't hear your greeting, but you think they probably did. I have felt that and it is hurtful.
When my children were very young, mornings were often difficult. I have been in the practice of getting up early with my hubby to prepare his breakfast, pack him a lunch, usually pray together and read some devotional material and see him off. By the time the kids got up, some time had passed. It had already been a long day. They were not always sweet and cuddly, no, sometimes they were downright gnarly, one in particular! Forget warm and fuzzy! I brought this up during an older women mentoring younger women event. The question, posed to me by one of the dear older saints was "Well, darlin', how pleasant are you in the morning?" She so nailed me! I tried a new approach the very next day and have not abandoned it yet. I began greeting my children (and hubby as well) with a bright, cheerful "Good Morning!" They may not have appreciated it for all it was worth but it set a pattern that has served us well. If after my lovely greeting, they continued to cry or grouse around or throw themselves on the floor in a fit, they went right back to bed until they could participate in the day with a happy heart. (the children, of course! Bill has yet to throw himself on the floor in a fit!) Worked like a charm. Bill even composed a lovely wake up song for our kids that they came to despise during their high school years. On Sundays he would sing them awake, loudly and with much fanfare! Maybe not exactly what the article was endorsing but still quite effective. The most certainly felt acknowledged. Lest you think I have this down perfectly, think again. Those who know me very well at all, may be aware that morning is not my preferred time of day. I do it, day after day (don't we all?) I mean I really do it. I get up, I cook, get dressed, you know...but I don't always enjoy it. On one recent Sunday, when we had to rise earlier than usual to make preparation for a Big Lunch event (more on that in a later post) I simply could not contain my utter distaste for waking up that early. Much thrashing of covers, kicking of feet and spirited declarations of "I DO NOT WANT TO GET UP!" eminated from my side of the bed. Laughter came from Bill's! I did get up and got my happy on but it took a minute or two, and maybe some coffee. Good thing there were no children present to witness that unfortunate outburst.
In some cultures, like that of my sweet Ghanaian son-in-law, greetings are a sign of respect. Not to greet someone properly is considered an affront. George always greets me formally when we meet. He stops what he is doing if I enter their home and speaks specifically to me and to anyone else who has entered. If he has come into mine and I am busy at the sink, for instance, he will position himself directly in front of me, over the bar, so that he may address me respectfully. I always feel honored.
Even now, the lone kid who resides at this address receives a cheerful greeting when he gets up. It may be good afternoon rather than good morning, but it is a greeting, nonetheless. An acknowledgement that I see you and I am glad you are here. The same goes for leaving the house or returning. It's just kind. We don't sneak out without saying good bye to one another. Your presence matters to me whether you are with me or away.
In thinking through this article and study, I realized some good, good reasons for this practice. I say hello, to my family, my friends, even to strangers. I appreciate it when others show me the same consideration. Without that we can all feel invisible or ignored. Maybe that's one reason this job search thing is so hard. Maybe that's why some children are so poorly behaved. To some, even negative attention is better than none. I don't want that to be true for anyone within my sphere of influence. If I can, by simply greeting someone, make their day, or their life, better, I will.
"Hello."
"Hi!"
"Good morning."
"Good evening."
"How 'ya doin'?"
'Sup Dog?... I suppose any greeting will do. Just recognize my presence! (Don't worry, I do NOT plan to start saying "Sup Dog!)
We always say good-bye, always say I love you, when Bill leaves each morning. God forbid, but we never know if today could be the last time we might see one another. The same is true for our kids. They are all healthy, as are we, but things happen. I want the last words spoken between us to always be sweet words. I want to live without regret all the way to the end.
Hello....I love you.....Good-bye!
Simple, easy and free! Something to think about.
Friday, October 1, 2010
Once Upon a Time...
...there was a nice older gentleman and a lovely mature lady who were just a little lonely and had lots of life ahead of them. They had each struggled through some tough times in their pasts but wanted to find just the right someone to share the future with. So they each set out on a quest and before long, in the most unconventional way, they found one another. After a brief courtship, they got married and began an exciting life together. They had not always lived their lives for Christ but now they were and wanted to live the remainder of their lives honoring Him. That lady was my mother and that gentleman is Bob. Aren't they adorable!? No, he's not my dad but he's been a part of my life for a lot longer than my father ever was...going on seventeen years now.
They enjoyed their time together gardening, raising dogs, reading, traveling, working puzzles and visiting their many grandchildren. She was quite the photographer. They enjoyed their church and she even sang in the choir. They worked some but still made time to have the grand kids over, two at a time, for weekend sleepovers now and then. They also made a practice, for many years of taking all the kids to a Christmas movie on Thanksgiving afternoon, since Dad was usually at work. Nonnie (that's how my mother is known to her grand kids) would knit for them, making sweaters, scarves and special hats with the boys' names on them. Their lives had not been easy before they met and as things go, they had their share of difficulty afterward, too. Grandpa can be a contentious old fella, and my mother has learned over the years to just let him go on about whatever he's miffed about today. He may be a challenge sometimes but she loves him, we know he loves her, and for that we all love him. We usually just smile and let him go on, too.
They moved to Arkansas thinking it would be a nice place to retire only to find, after a short time, that Nonnie's health was failing. They returned to Texas to be nearer family and better medical care. Over the years they have settled into a comfortable pace, marked by many doctor visits, elimination of their jobs and other activities in favor of matching recliners, more word puzzles, reading and television. Going to church has been dropped from the routine as well. It is just so much trouble for them to get there. Nonnie still knits but not as much anymore. The kids are all grown so sleepovers and movie dates have fallen away. They visit us when they can and we make the occasional visit to see them. They have two cute little lap dogs to keep them company as well as a parakeet. Life has slowed down and they have become the prayer warriors of the family. I get a call about every week asking for updates for their prayer list. Each child's needs are listed and I know they spend a great deal of time praying for every member of this ever growing family. At our last big get together, Nonnie gave each child a little card with her e-mail address and phone number and called it Nonnie's prayer hot line.
About a year ago, Grandpa was diagnosed with cancer. He has undergone two grueling rounds of chemotherapy and six weeks of daily radiation treatments. He had a PET scan this week to ensure that the treatments had done their job. Not only have they not eliminated his cancer, it is worse. He called to let me know today and to ask us to pray. Cancer is not his only medical challenge.
I am sad for them. Sad that after all these years they have found happiness with each other and with God and that they are suffering so in this season of life. Their bodies are just not serving them well anymore. I don't know how much more Grandpa can take and he is the stronger one. I know they must be frightened. We have noticed him being more sensitive, even tender lately, saying things he wanted to be sure to say. He reconciled with his estranged children and has begun finding new homes for his treasured possessions. I worry about my mother. She has never done 'alone' very well. We bought this house understanding we may need to care for an aging parent one day. I did not think it would be anytime soon. I hope I'm wrong, that the doctors are wrong and that Grandpa has many good years left, years to be spent with my sweet mom by his side.
But that's not the end of the story...we won't know what that looks like for a little while. What we do know and that bears telling is that these two weary souls, while coming to an end of this earthly life, have made sure of the future life waiting for them. They have come to saving faith in Christ and rely on Him. No matter what the outcome is, next week, next month or next year, their eternal future is secure. I am glad they found one another, and that they are both walking with God for it is then that we can say....
They enjoyed their time together gardening, raising dogs, reading, traveling, working puzzles and visiting their many grandchildren. She was quite the photographer. They enjoyed their church and she even sang in the choir. They worked some but still made time to have the grand kids over, two at a time, for weekend sleepovers now and then. They also made a practice, for many years of taking all the kids to a Christmas movie on Thanksgiving afternoon, since Dad was usually at work. Nonnie (that's how my mother is known to her grand kids) would knit for them, making sweaters, scarves and special hats with the boys' names on them. Their lives had not been easy before they met and as things go, they had their share of difficulty afterward, too. Grandpa can be a contentious old fella, and my mother has learned over the years to just let him go on about whatever he's miffed about today. He may be a challenge sometimes but she loves him, we know he loves her, and for that we all love him. We usually just smile and let him go on, too.
They moved to Arkansas thinking it would be a nice place to retire only to find, after a short time, that Nonnie's health was failing. They returned to Texas to be nearer family and better medical care. Over the years they have settled into a comfortable pace, marked by many doctor visits, elimination of their jobs and other activities in favor of matching recliners, more word puzzles, reading and television. Going to church has been dropped from the routine as well. It is just so much trouble for them to get there. Nonnie still knits but not as much anymore. The kids are all grown so sleepovers and movie dates have fallen away. They visit us when they can and we make the occasional visit to see them. They have two cute little lap dogs to keep them company as well as a parakeet. Life has slowed down and they have become the prayer warriors of the family. I get a call about every week asking for updates for their prayer list. Each child's needs are listed and I know they spend a great deal of time praying for every member of this ever growing family. At our last big get together, Nonnie gave each child a little card with her e-mail address and phone number and called it Nonnie's prayer hot line.
About a year ago, Grandpa was diagnosed with cancer. He has undergone two grueling rounds of chemotherapy and six weeks of daily radiation treatments. He had a PET scan this week to ensure that the treatments had done their job. Not only have they not eliminated his cancer, it is worse. He called to let me know today and to ask us to pray. Cancer is not his only medical challenge.
I am sad for them. Sad that after all these years they have found happiness with each other and with God and that they are suffering so in this season of life. Their bodies are just not serving them well anymore. I don't know how much more Grandpa can take and he is the stronger one. I know they must be frightened. We have noticed him being more sensitive, even tender lately, saying things he wanted to be sure to say. He reconciled with his estranged children and has begun finding new homes for his treasured possessions. I worry about my mother. She has never done 'alone' very well. We bought this house understanding we may need to care for an aging parent one day. I did not think it would be anytime soon. I hope I'm wrong, that the doctors are wrong and that Grandpa has many good years left, years to be spent with my sweet mom by his side.
But that's not the end of the story...we won't know what that looks like for a little while. What we do know and that bears telling is that these two weary souls, while coming to an end of this earthly life, have made sure of the future life waiting for them. They have come to saving faith in Christ and rely on Him. No matter what the outcome is, next week, next month or next year, their eternal future is secure. I am glad they found one another, and that they are both walking with God for it is then that we can say....
They lived happily ever after!
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